I’m Writing A Novel And Ned Some Help.
Would you consider this as interesting and would you read it
My name is Raven, I am 14. I’m your typical goth. Black hair, pale skin. But I wasn’t always like this. It all started with a stupid simple sentence. That one sentence changed my life entirely. Some ways good and some ways bad. I lost almost all of my friends. But I discovered my hidden talent.
It happened on that day, after that sentence . I locked myself away in my room ,after school, refusing to talk to anyone. I sat with my back pressed to the closet and began to think. That’s when it happened. I was looking at my books and concentrating really hard. They were hovering inches off the floor. I began to concentrate even more and see what I could do. I soon discovered I could bend it. I could make them loop the loop, make them do cart wheels, and anything else imaginable. As soon as I was finished playing with the books I felt drained. I crawled into bed and sleep soundly through the night.
I woke shortly before dawn and watched the moon be swallowed by the sun’s feeble amber rays. I crawled out of bed and stumbled to my closet. I flung the door open and made an attempt to find something to wear. black t-shirt, jeans and my boots would do. It was 6:15 and I had to be out at the bus stop by 6:20. I brushed my hair and teeth and set off for an adventure.
The bus was on time, which was highly unusual. I stepped through the tiny bus doors and the chattering around me stopped. ‘There goes Raven. The biggest freak ever,” Charlie Thomas said. I felt angry and tried to control my emotions. TOO late. I was imagining myself spinning him in the air . Well that meant bad news for Charlie. When I decided to stop spinning him I got up and close and personal. “What did you say?” .he only whimpered. “‘That’s what I thought.” as I sat him down I found myself being stared at. “And this goes for anybody else who has something to say.” I made my way to the back of the bus and took my usual seat. An hour later and dozens of stops the bus pulled into the ramp at valley view high. I waited for my friends to show up and then it hit me. I was friendless. Good going I thought to myself. You just had to say it didn’t you?
I waited for the 7:30 bell to ring. When it did hundreds of students made their way to the front doors and stopped. “there goes the freak.” ” She’s the one that gave Charlie a rude awakening.” I simply ignored them not wishing to draw more attention to myself than I already had. I had 15 minutes to go to my locker and be in Mr. Walter’s class without getting a tardy. I hurried down the long never-ending corridor Mr. Walter’s class was on. I reached my locker and spun the dial. 15-23-8. The locker creaked and groaned as it was opened.
I got my books, closed my locker, and turned around. out of now where Michael knocked my books and binders out of my hands. Lynn his tomboy of a girlfriend, watched and laughed. Michael was my ex boyfriend and I decided I was better off without him. Anyway deciding today was not their day I imagined my self picking them up tying them to the rafters by their shoelaces. Well I did. I had ten minutes just enough time to get to Mr. Walter’s class. Despite their pleas I left them there through first period, which lasted roughly 45 minutes.
When class ended I went back to the place I left them. “Had enough?” I said in my sweetest voice. Glynn was crying. She looked very comical hanging upside down her perfect brunette bob ruined. Her eyes raccoon like from her tears smearing her eyeliner and mascara. I couldn’t resist laughing. I let her down and she ran off to the bathroom. just out of pure meanness I imagined my self twisting the locks and shattering her compact. her cries of frustration were my reward. Looking up at Michael, with his shaggy blond hair I said ” I think I’ll leave you up here. It appears to me you haven’t learned your lesson’”, with that said I sauntered off to math. Deciding during Math I would let him down so he could try and out do me I imagined him falling off the rafter. I opened his locker got his books and pulled him to the door. He came in and took his seat, which was before mine.
“Nice of you to join us,’ I whispered. he turned around and stared me down. His books mysteriously fell of his desk. He got up and got them. his pencil rolled across the floor. “Michael, Is there a problem?” Mr. grant drawled. No he whined nasally. 45 minutes of pure torture later he looked at me and called me a cruel heartless dog. And I’m saying that nicely. The rest of the day went by fairly fast and easy.
When the 3:30 bell rang I went to my locker. I got my books and practically ran to the front door. only one problem Michael and his roughneck gang stopped me before achieving my goal. ” heard how you beat up Michael.” I never laid hands on him” “Bull. Well now you’re gonna get what you deserve freak”. the fist punch landed on my jaw. I staggered back. And before the culprits struck again I managed to run out the front door and made myself disappear.
The seven mile trek across town to the apartment my mom and I shared gave me time to think about what had happened to me over the past few days. As I walked I felt the lump rising on my jaw. Deciding to dodge the main highway I took to the back alleys. A stranger dressed in black popped out of an alley to my right. I never saw him coming. A small prick to my neck and I felt the world around me go dark.
I woke up in a small dark room.
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Keep writing, this sounds good. Are you on any writing sites? There is a site called chapteread.com I’m on there and they have great features. Worth checking out! Good luck
It’s not bad, here’s what I think:
Elaborate more. That seems more like a summary than a story. Go into detail, take things slower. Elaborate!
Don’t use the word ‘goth’. Stereotypes don’t please a lot of people.
Keep going! It’s pretty interesting so far, and I would probably read it.
Maybe try to make it third-person? It’s more interesting that way, and easier to give detailis in. Or, if first-person is your style, stick to that. =)
Hope I helped–good luck!
This was awesome! You do need to elaborate but don’t put in any unnecessary details.It’s a fine line. Also, elaborate especially on when she learns about her powers. And other people’s reactions. Can you send the rest of the story?