Doggy Steps and Ramps

SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING – Next to a noisy bar.
OLD WORLD CHARM – Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.
CONTEMPORARY FEELING – Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
CLOSE TO LAKES – Impossible to park from April to October.
WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN – Previous owner removed supporting walls.
SECURITY SYSTEM – Neighbor has a dog.
NEEDS TLC – Major structural damage.
UPDATED KITCHEN – Sink no longer overflows.
MOTIVATED SELLER – Has been on the market for 14 years.
CONVENIENT – Located on freeway entrance ramp.
MINT – Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.
NEUTRAL DECOR – No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.
MOVE IN CONDITION – Front door missing.
COZY – No room larger than 9 x 6.
LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM – Ping Pong table over sewer opening.
LIGHT OPEN SPACES – Many holes in walls and ceiling.
OUTSTANDING – Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.
A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES – Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.
BOX ROOM – Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes … folded.
BY PRIVATE TREATY – If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.
COMPACT – Tiny.
COUNTRY GENTLEMAN’S RESIDENCE – No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.
DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE – It looks terrible.
DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION – In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
EASILY MAINTAINED – Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED – Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST – Grounds like a jungle.
LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE – About to be condemned.
MUCH SOUGHT AFTER – It’s been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
OWNER EAGER TO SELL – If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won’t be noticed.
PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING – The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.
PERIOD RESIDENCE – Built in the last two years.
QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING – On site of proposed dormitory town.
RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY – No one else want’s it.
SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD – Beside sewage works.
SOLD – Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.
SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS – They have just discovered death watch beetle.
UNSPOILED – Planning permission granted for field next door.
UNUSUAL FEATURES – No roof.
UNUSUAL LOCATION – In the path of a projected motorway.
USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS – No inside toilet.
WELL SITUATED – In full view of the neighbors.
WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF – Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.

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